The complete history of a game as ancient and multifaceted as Kubb (also known as broomball) is a topic too lengthy and complex to explore in a forum such as this , but I shall endeavor to highlight the main points of historical interest of this glorious contest for you here .  If you’d like to know more about Kubb history please visit your local library or Hiberno-Norse Svenaska cultural center . 

 

The modern game of Kubb (called knocker-heads at the time) was invented in 1974 by Lucy Liu (who was then known as Lucy Lawless) and is generally believed to be a thinly veiled excuse for assaults on Bahai immigrants from the Isle of Man (and the Orkneys to a lesser extent) .  Most historians believe that Lucy Liu/Lawless came up with the idea completely on the spot when confronted by Warren (Michigan) police officers .  Caught red-handed with bloody club she claimed only be to be in the park playing a game with her friends , and had no knowledge of the lifeless pile of corpses not 4 yards away .  When pressed for information on the rules of the game Lucy Lui/Lawless confabulated what is essentially the same rules used for Kubb today . 

 

Naturally this ruse did not fool the authorities as the rules of Kubb are rather ludicrous .  But while incarcerated in Cynthia Leonard Memorial Minimum security prison in Bridge Creek (Oklahoma) Miss Liu/Lawless (now know to many as Liu Diamond Philips) decided that she rather like the rules she came up with and Kubb became a common way for the inmates to pass the time between showerfights and skrivening .  When a guard asked what game they were playing it is said that LDP (as she was known) responded “Kubb” .  There is a lot of speculation as to the meaning behind this . 

 

Some linguists insist that she actually said crube , trying to insult the guard , as this is generally believed to be one of the most insulting words in the pantheon of human language (being a Seeltersk word that I will not translate here – those interested in a translation should contact their local labor union) .  But most historians ascribe to one of two theories .  The first (known in some circles as the coevolved Merlin theory) is that Kubb is an acronym for Keeping Urban Bleacheries Blameless .  This is supported by the fact that Liu’s attacks on immigrants from self-governed British crown dependencies were claimed in the press to be paid “hits” solicited by the big bleachery bosses in Michigan and Kansas (most notably Spencer Borden , who later went on to fame in the American Football League with the New York Titans) who were trying to keep unions out of the business by targeting organizers – many of whom where the immigrants in Liu’s brutal assaults . 

 

The other popular theory about the origin of the word Kubb is known as the P03 Echo theory (after its most memorable adherent , William George Arthur Ormsby-Gore, 4th Baron Harlech) and it states (in part) that the name Kubb is a bastardization of a Cockney rhyming slang bastardization of the 17th Order of Canting Crews word Abram-Cove (which means a naked or poor man , or a strong lusty rogue) .  Unfortunately the truth of this controvosery will never be known , as only minutes after granting the name Kubb to the game we all love to much Lucy Lawless/Liu/Liu Daimond Philips was stabbed in the kidney by Japanese Partilmentarian Shokichi Kina (the reasons behind this murder are beyond the scope of a discussion on the history of Kubb , if you would like to know more please visit Timecube) and died shortly thereafter of Dengue Fever .  Thankfully we are still able to enjoy Lucy Liu’s (now called by many Megan Fox) work as an actress , artist , and hunting enthusiast due to the time traveler that brought her to our time before her untimely death .

 

After the death of Lucy Liu the game of Kubb slowly spread throughout lower Canada and upper Cedar Rapids (Iowa) as the members of her prison gang (the Eternity Church Of America) were released and proliferated the knowledge of the game throughout the enchanted dells and canneries .  But it was not until 1982 when the game of Kubb would come to national attention during the American Civil War Documentary Civil War (fought between rival factions of documentary film makers and confused American Civil War reenactors from ’82 through ’87) when the famous photoetching of Maj. Gen. William F. "Baldy" Smith and some of his men of the XVIII Corp playing a game of Kubb against Meg Switzgable along with her gaffer and best boy during a lull in the fighting around Baltimore’s Inner Harbor graced the cover of Time Magazine .  It was this national exposure that lead to the national interest in Kubb that we enjoy today . 

 

Most notably in February 2009 , Vizio announced they would be stopping production of plasma televisions so their employees would have more time to play Kubb (a move which caused a massive run on Vizio stock) .  But perhaps the most important moment in Kubb history took place on Feburary 14th , 2013 when the game was chosen by NBA commissioner Bruce Willis to replace basketball as the means by which the winner of NBA games was to be decided .  When asked for comments  , Mr. Willis (known at this time as Lucy Liu) was said to remark “This is just a smart financial move for the NBA , I don’t know why it wasn’t done years ago .  Basketball is boring , this Kubb thing is supposed to be pretty cool .  At least that’s what that guy who played Radar on MASH told me .  He seems pretty smart .” 

 

Unfortunately the game of Kubb was lost to us (along with lawn bowling , crossbow hunting , and baseball) on January 2nd 2054 when first contact was made with Extraterrestial Biological Entities who had lived undected on the planet Theia for the entirity of human existance .  In return for their protection in the coming Skrull-Kree wars they asked only for the humble contribution from Earth of every copy of Madden 2007 (which they needed to power their ship’s death cannons) and that we forever abandon all sports or activities that were forbibben by their holy text Alistair MacLean’s “Puppet on a Chain” .   The last game of Kubb was played on July 7th , 2054 by Joey Fatone , ex-President Bristol Palin , the DNA of Jack Nicholson in a clone ape , and Richard Neville .  The game was transmitted live to the temporal lobes of every human on earth (as well as some of the more cunning dolphins) and the set used (the last in existance) was enshired in the Smithsonian Kubb Museum in Weehauken (New Jersey) until it was stolen in 2057 by Sparactus riding a mountain bike while participating in the Duel of Ages .